Headline: National Security Agency Caught Unawares by Cyberattack

WASHINGTON DC, June 7, 2013: A massive Cyberattack hit US interests today from an unidentified foreign attacker, causing extensive damage to military and financial targets. In response, the National Security Agency (NSA) conducted a rare press conference. “Even though the PATRIOT Act gives us the authority to collect social media and phone metadata on non-US citizens, we choose not to, because of the privacy considerations,” said the NSA spokesperson, who gave his name as “Mr. X.”

“We have wonderful Big Data analytics tools at the NSA,” continued Mr. X. “If we were willing to collect large data sets from telcos like Verizon and Web companies like Google and Apple, then we’d be able to discern suspicious behavior like terrorist chatter or Cyberwarfare attacks in the making. But as it is, our hands are tied.”

“The administration chose to favor privacy over national security,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, R-KY. “This shows how weak President Obama is. Of course, if he chose to favor national security over privacy, I’d still be complaining how weak he is. It doesn’t matter what manure happens in this world. It’s always Obama’s fault.”

“I’m sorry all your bank accounts have been emptied,” said President Obama in his weekly radio address. “But we have to balance the privacy rights of foreign citizens with our ability to investigate and prevent such attacks. And frankly, we just don’t want to piss off the French.”

Editor’s Note: This is a fictionalized, satirical post. Its content should in no way be interpreted as an actual record of events.